Ashes of Laughter: May 2012

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19

“Eight dollars! That’s it?” I asked the teller. “But there was plenty of money in the account this morning. What happened? I’ve not spent it!”

The teller shrugged. “What would you like me to do?

My stomach turned and my face grew warm. I wasn’t sure what to do. I only knew the feelings of terror and panic that crept into my mind. This was a place God knew I hated. I’d spent seven years in under the darkness of loneliness and fear when I had nothing–scrapped to feed my boys. This spot, the place where survival kicked in, was a territory I didn’t want to visit again…ever! Memories flooded back. Days when eight dollars was the equilivant of $8000.00. I pleaded that God would pull me out of poverty and place me into peace.

Fear squeezed the joy from me and replaced it with guilt and unworthiness. Until today, God had not let the ministry account dip into single digits. He knew my fear. So why today? Why test me today?

My anxiety dragged me to a place of faithlessness instead of faithfulness. The love and joy I’d found in this ministry suddenly dissipated. I was hurt, angry and a little disappointed God would put me in this situation again especially since this was HIS ministry. We were just the tools.

I starred at the last $300 in our savings account then instructed the teller to move it to checking. Walking out of the bank, l leaned against the wall and cried. With over $2000 in bills hovering over the ministry, the small $300 would be gone end-of-day.

God tests us–tries us even pushes occasionally to stretch beyond our immediate knowledge of Him. He invites us through hardships to explore His peace that passes understanding and to claim His promises of consolation, joy and the plan He has to prosper us not harm us. It’s not easy and He brought me to my knees kicking and screaming.

“Just trust me,” He whispered.

I crawled in the car and headed to the post office. Slipping my key into the box I looked up and cried, “God provide.” Twisting the key, I opened the door, an envelope lay tilted to one side. A smile parted my lips and when I opened the letter, a sigh of relief came over me.

God promises when our anxiety is the greatest, trust it to Him, we’ll receive consolation and joy. That day, I learned it wasn’t about me but did I have a willing heart to learn, to stretch, to see a new side of Christ, and when I said yes, the elation of peace was immeasurable.

When anxiety overwhelms your heart seek the promises of His consolation and joy. There is peace in handing over the worry.

The envelope…contained a check for $300. God matched what we had and we paid the first bill.

Devotional by: Eddie Jones and Cindy Sproles

images via here

via here